ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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