there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
