I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
