So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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