Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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