i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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