if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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