The maid of honor just puked.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
