I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
