When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
