Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
