i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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