I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
