Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
