There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
