the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
