Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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