it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
