i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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