the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
