I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
