Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
