I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
