I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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