I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
