Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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