"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize