if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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