Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
