I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
