So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
