I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
