The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize