finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
