weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
