The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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