She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
