How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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