I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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