i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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