I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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