Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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