I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
