He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
