I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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