I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
