I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
