Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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