I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
