I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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