I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
