Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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