My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
