he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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