She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
