Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
