And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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