i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
