We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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